Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
