Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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