My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
