Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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