don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
