Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
