I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
