i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he thought i was a dude.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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