Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
