Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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