false alarm. still invincible.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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