Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
