I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
