She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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