Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
