I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We got so high we made milksteak
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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