i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
