I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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