i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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