remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
