Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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