Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
