Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
