the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
