all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
