U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
