Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
