she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
