I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
