The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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