If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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