i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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