It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
