I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.