I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
