please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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