Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
