Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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