My sheets look like a crime scene.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I looked at my own cervix.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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