last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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