just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
