I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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