if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
