final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I love you. Go after that dick
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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