having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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