And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
