I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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