When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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