Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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