I skipped work to stalk him.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
