Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
