I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
