I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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