Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
