I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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