I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
