Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
