How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
